Big Questions, Short Answers

The following questions and answers concern the weighty topic of ending discrimination against gays and lesbians right to marry in the U.S. All material, save this intro, is from:

Wolfson, Evan. Why Marriage Matters: America, Equality, and Gay People's Right to Marry. Simon & Schuster. New York, 2004.

1. Why does our country need "gay marriage"?

We don't. The term "gay marriage" implies that same-sex couples are asking for rights and privileges that married couples do not have, or for something lesser or different. What gay people are seeking is the legal and equal freedom to marry the person they love and care for, just as non-gay Americans do. The Constitution's guarantee of equal protection and the right to marry belongs to us all.

2. Why do same-sex couples need the right to marry?

Many committed same-sex couples share the same responsibilities as married couples. However, without the freedom to marry, they do not receive the same recognition or protections for their families as married couples. In fact, same-sex couples and their kids face tremendous discrimination. For example, lesbians and gay men who have been their partner's primary caretaker are often denied hospital visitation when there's been an accident or illness, or the ability to obtain "family" health coverage, or taxation and inheritance rights, or even protection in case the relationship ends. Sometimes they see their children taken away, or their role as a parent denied. Regardless of the fact that they have taken responsibility for thei children's and their partner's well-being, both economically and emotionally, legally their status is, at best, that of a roommate. Denied the freedom to marry, same-sex couples and their kids are deprived of literally thousands of legal and economic protections and responsibilities, as well as the emotional, social, and spiritual meaning that marriage has for many.

3. Why change the definition of marriage?

Ending the exclusion of gay people from marriage would not change the "definition" of marriage, but it would remove a discriminatory barrier from the path of people who have made a personal commitment to each other and are now ready and willing to take on the responsibilities and legal commitment of marriage.

This is not the first time our country has struggled over the exclusion from and discrimination in marriage. Previous chapters in American history have seen race discrimination in marriage (ended only in 1967), laws making wives legally inferior to husbands (changed as late as the 1970s and 1980s), resistance to allowing people to end failed or abusive marriages through divorce (fought over in the 1940s and 1950s), and even a refusal to allow married and unmarried people to make their own decisions about whether to use contraception or raise children (decided in 1965).

In each of these struggles, opponents of equality claimed that the proposed change was "against the definition of marriage" and "against God's will." Many of the same claims are made today by opponents now seeking to prevent loving same-sex couples from taking on the legal commitment of marriage. Fortunately, our country rejected the "sky is falling" claims opponents of equality and made marriage a more inclusive and fair commitment of equals. Today we realize that government discrimination in marriage is wrong, and that the choice of a marriage partner belongs to the committed people, not politicians or pressure groups.

4. Isn't marriage really about procreation?

No. Many non-gay people marry and cannot or do not have children. Any many gay men and lesbians do have children but have been denied the right to raise those children within a marital relationship. Legally and in reality, marriage is best understood as a relationship of emotional and financial interdependence between two people who make a public commitment. Many people wanting to get married---gay or non-gay---wish to be parents; many others do not. The choice belongs to the couple, not the state.

5. What if my religion opposes same-sex relationships?

This is not about forcing any church to perform or extend religious recognition to any marriages it doesn't want to. This is about the right to the civil marriage license issued by the state, which religious groups should not interfere with (just as the state should not interfere with religious ceremonies one way or the other). Of course, many lesbians and gay men are active in their respective religions, many of which do recognize and suppot their loving unions and commitments.

6. Why aren't domestic partnerships or civil unions good enough?

In one state, Vermont, there is now a nonmarriage marital status called "civil union," and other states from California to New Jersey have begun creating new legal relationships to begin providing protections and legal obligations for committed same-sex couples and their kids. Often, in certain municipalities and companies, this limited recognition of relationships between unmarried partners, including same-sex couples, is called "domestic partnership." The legal and economic consequences of such nonmarriage protections vary considerably and are of value to the families covered. However, neither civil unions nor domestic partnerships cofer the full security and range of tangible and intangible protections a marriage itself. Such additional forms of recognition and no substitute for the equal right to marry.

7. Isn't this a bad time to fight for the right to marry?

To some, there is never a good time to fight any battle for equal rights. But same-sex couples are lining up by the thousands all across the country seeking marriage licenses, while legislatures and courts are grappling with ending discrimination. Meanwhile, opposition groups for their own political purposes and broader anti-gay, anti-civil-rights, and anti-choice, and anti-separation-of-church-and-state agendas, are trying to stampede politicians into denying not just marriage, but any equal protections or recognition for America's gay couples and families. As always in the struggle for human rights, the outcome will depend on how those of us committed to equal rights engage in the state-by-state and national leagl and political battles under way and on how many fair-minded (non-gay) Americans speak up against discrimination and division.

8. How can I help?

Whether you are gay or non-gay, you can help by speaking out against discrimination and in favor of equal responsibilities and rights for all Americans. By telling your personal stories and explaining to your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and fellow citizens why you cannot remain silent at a crucila civil rights turning-point. By supporting or joining the broad-based coalition of gay and non-gay individuals and groups that support equal marriage rights. By signing on to the Marriage Resolution at www.freedomtomarry.org, and asking others to do the same. By telling politicians, judges, neighbors, and others that it is time to end discrimination throughout the United States.