The Ford CRC Show

The Ford CRC Show

Starring
J.T. Tolodxi
As
Pandora / Mrs. Bertha Littleman

Also Starring
Michael That’s “Michael”
As
Gay Minnerhot / Forddie

Written & Directed
By
Michael Staples

Titles
By
Don’t Call Me Mike Productions

“Relationship Building”

Scene 1

Scene opens on a typical call center environment, people in cubicles using headsets, and doing customer service work. In this office, the CSRs are known as CCRs (customer “care” reps) and specific emphasis is placed upon call handling skills to ensure customers will feel respected and understood during their calls into the center. The center takes calls related to customer’s cars and car related issues.

In a split screen, Pandora sits at her desk awaiting her next call. She’s young (22-25), short spiked hair, exhibits an urban style, slightly edgy. She’s chewing gum and sending text messages to an unknown party.
In the opposite side of the screen is Gay Minnerhot in a generic office setting preparing to make a call to the Ford CRC.

GM: Dials 800 number on his office phone. Awaits an answer while multitasking at desk, checking daily calendar, making notes, looking busy. He presses numbers on the phone in response to an automated call selection system.

P: Phone beeps, alerting Pandora of an incoming call. She has an annoyed expression, checks the status of last text sent, and prepares to answer the call.
“Yeah, hey, you’ve got Pandora. What’s happening?”

GM: Remains silent at first, clearly unsure if he’s received the correct party.
“Hello. Is this Ford customer service?”

P: Silently enunciates “Duh!” Then says:
“That’s us. Army strong. You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers. Got milk?”

GM: Stops multitasking and seems to focus on the phone as if it will make the call more clear.
“Milk? Is that a kind of car? I have a Lincoln Town Car. Have I reached the right place?”

P: “The Eagle has landed, sir. What’s your damage?”

GM: “Uh, well, this morning on my way into the office my check engine light came on. I had just had the car with my mechanic for it’s 15,ooo mile service check and everything checked out fine, so I don’t know why that warning light would be coming on.”

P: As soon as GM begins speaking about his car’s symptoms, she goes back to checking her cell phone and responding to text messages. There’s a short silence after GM finishes speaking and Pandora realizes it. She hasn’t heard anything he has said. She looks toward the screen as if she could see GM on the other side to confirm he is still with her.
“Hello?”

GM: “Yes.”

P: Disappointed her customer hasn’t hung up, she continues with the call.
“Okay, sir, so Town Car blues getting you down.”

GM: “Excuse me?”

P: She places her cell phone next to her on the desk where she can see if a new message comes in before responding to her customer.
“Alright sir, you got your VIN number handy?”

GM: “I was wondering if you were going to ask me for that. I’ve got it right here.”

P: “Shoot.”

GM: “B0Y5NTRUK5R50H0T0.”

P: Actor should write out VIN# on signboard, so audience can see it. She enters the info into her computer and checks her cell phone again while waiting for the info to come up. Dead air ensues.

GM: “Hello. Are you still there?”

P: “Yeah, yeah. Be cool. It may be the 21st century but computers are slower than ever.”

GM: “I know what you mean. My company’s server is always having problems. I’ve had to have the system upgraded more times than I care to count at a cost that seems to far exceed what it actually does for the office.”

P: While GM talks, she continues to tune him out and send text messages. GM’s info comes up and she reluctantly puts her phone down just as he wraps up.
“Alrighty then.”
She sees his name in the system and snickers as she pronounces it to herself.
“Is this, uh, Gay Minnerhot?”

GM: Not sure why she snickered, answers:
“Yes? Is something wrong?”

P: “Your mother must have had a sense of humor.”

GM: “What? What do you mean?”

P: Realizing her misstep, she blows off her comment but continues to emphasize the customer’s name.
“Nothing, Mr. Minnerhot. Gay. So, what are you wearing?”

GM: Sits back in his chair, startled.
“Excuse me?”

P: “I bet you’re well put together. Designer suits, good address, tanned, work out, blonde.”

GM: “Well, not blonde. You can see all that in the system?”

P: “Gay. Gay, Gay, Gay. I’ve got your number.”

GM: “Oh, is it 426-766-6429? Because I recently changed it to 787-2283.”

P: She shakes her head from side-to-side and simultaneously alters his number in the system. Silence ensues.

GM: “Hello?”

P: “I’m here girlfriend.”

GM: Pulls receiver away and looks at it, trying to determine if he heard right.
“What? I’m not sure what you just said.”

P: She glances at her cell phone and sees there is a message but ignores it and continues with GM.
“I said I’m here for you. What can I do for you today?”

GM: “Well, my engine light?”

P: “You want it to light up pink instead of red?”

GM: “Uh? I want to know why it’s turned on?”

P: “Okay Gay, no biggie. Well, not yet anyway.”

GM: “Not yet.”

P: “Big expensive car, big expensive problems, but don’t get all lubed up over it. You’ve got a premium warranty. It’ll all work itself out.”

GM: “So, no matter how big it is, it’ll be covered?”

P: “Shhhhurrrrre (“sure” – drawn out). Look baby. Gay. Just take your car down to your local dealership and they’ll set you up right. Okey Dokey?”

GM: “I suppose I should make an appointment? They’ll probably end up keeping it for days. I’m supposed to go clubbin this weekend”

P: “Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about the appointment, you buy a Town Car, you should expect on-the-spot service. I would. And if they have to keep your car overnight, they’ll surely give you a loaner. Probably not a Town Car though, probably a Chevy Cavalier, which aren’t bad, I drive a Cavalier. They’re smallish, takes you down a notch, but great on gas.”

GM: “You drive a Chevy?”

P: “What?! You think they give us cars around here? Okay, okay, we get a kinda discount, but you still gotta come up with a bundle. And for what they pay me here, that bundle is too big for me. I have to leave big for guys like you that can take it.”

GM: “Alright, well, thanks.”

P: “Yep, anytime Gay. Don’t get into any trouble now. We’ll be seeing you. I’ll look for you at the Pride parade.”
She releases the call.

GM: Line goes dead. He slowly places the receiver back on the hook, slightly bewildered, shakes his head and returns to work.

Pandora picks up her phone and returns to sending text messages. Someone, dressed professionally, comes up behind her unawares and taps her shoulder. She stops mid text, looks over to her shoulder and then up toward the visitor with a look of surprise.

Scene Ends.

Commercial Break

“Ford Built for All Lifestyles”

A guy and a girl, who are friends, are roaming through a Ford car lot looking at new vehicles. They are both in their mid twenties. The girl wears comfortable jeans, tennis shoes, and a breast cancer awareness t-shirt. She is slightly shorter than her companion and attractive in an athletic way. The guy wears tight fitting Levis, motorcycle boots, and a black tank top. He is tanned and obviously works out.

Girl: “Wow, have you ever seen so many trucks?”

Guy: “And, girl, check out that hot Mustang.”

Girl: Playfully punches man in the arm.
“What’s the matter with you? We just totaled my truck.”

Guy: Rubs arm as if punch actually hurt.
“Ow! Okay, was there too. Was driving. Was little bit tipsy.

Girl: “Was Drunk!”

Guy: “Anyway, that Chevy was a piece of crap. Don’t we want someone small and sporty?”

Girl: “Someone?”

Guy: “Who?”

Girl: “You said don’t we want someone small and sporty.”

Guy: “Oh no girlfriend, we’ve been there already. How about a truck?”

Girl: “Good choice.”

Back to the Show

Scene 2

In a split screen, Bertha Littleman, an 80 year old woman, sits at her kitchen table, writing letters, and looks over to the phone. She picks up a car brochure, looks it over, and then spies a phone number on the backside. She picks up her phone and dials the number.

On the opposite side of the screen, Forddie, a professional looking young man sits alert at his desk, looking over some papers. The call centerline beebs in Forddie’s headset, alerting him of an incoming call.
“Hello. Thank you for calling Ford Motor Company. My name is Forddie. Are you calling about your vehicle?”

BL: Speaking slowly “Uh, yes young man. I’m assuming you’re a young man. Your voice sounds like my dear nephew’s. He’s 19 and just graduated from high school, but he’s not entirely sure what he’s going to do next. His name is Ronny. Want to meet him? I’m sure you two would hit it off. I have a feeling about these things.”

F: “Uh, are you calling about your vehicle?”

BL: “Oh, yes. Sorry, I got a bit off track.” Laughs to herself.

F: “No problem, ma’am. How may I assist you?”

BL: “Well, I’m having some trouble with my car, you see. It’s making some pretty odd noises, a sort of chunkity-chunkity, blunk blunk, chunkity-chunkity, blunk blunk. Then all this blue smoke just shoots out the back like I just fired my grandaddy’s rifle. I tell you, it’s causing quite a ruckus around town. People are pointing and saying, “Look at old Bertha Littleman in her big green car.” What a sight! I’m not use to putting on a show. I come from quiet people who live private lives, you see.”

F: “I can see how that would be frustrating for you. Can you please give me your Vehicle Identification Number?”

BL: “Uh, what’s that sweetie?”

F: Reads like a public service announcement. “It’s the 17 digit number that identifies your vehicle and is unique to it. It’s usually listed on your insurance card, car title, registration, and on various places on the vehicle itself.”

BL: “Oh my. Well, let’s see.”
She begins to look through her purse, pulling out odd, random items.
“I do have my insurance card here… somewhere… surely.”

F: “If you don’t, I can try pulling up your profile by your last name and zip code.”

BL: “Hm, that may be best. A woman’s purse is a wasteland of forgotten things. That card may be out in the car. Well, my last name is Littleman. I know, it’s a funny little name.”
Laughs to herself.
“But it surely isn’t as funny as some other names. I don’t know which ones, of course.”

F: “Thank you Ms. Littleman. And your zip code?”

BL: “Ms.? Well I haven’t been called that in more than 60 years. I bet you’re wily one, young man. You and my nephew Ronny would make such good, uh, pals, I’m sure.
Silence.

F: “Mrs. Littleman?”

BL: “What was I saying? Oh yes, I became Mrs. E.Z. Littleman in 1947. I stayed married to that man for 53 years. He gave me a good life but no children. No, but I have my nephew.”

F: Looks embarrassed.
“Wow, that’s very impressive that you were married for so long. Um, may I have your zip code, please?”

BL: “Oh right, uh …”
She picks up an envelope on her table and holding it up close, then farther back.
“I think it’s 09786. Yes.”

F: Enters numbers on keyboard.
“Thank you Mrs. Littleman. I’m just waiting for the system to pull something up.”

Momentary silence.

“There you are!”

BL: “Did you find me? That’s a sweet boy. You remind me so much of little Ronny when he was a boy.”

F: “That’s nice (stated off-handedly). So could you please verify your daytime phone number?”

BL: “Well, I could, but what do you need it for?”

F: “In case we need to call you back with any information relating to your vehicle or your call today.”

BL: “Oh, I suppose that would be alright. Of course, we’ve never actually met, so I don’t know if you should be calling my house, you see. Well, I guess it’d be alright if it were just about my car. The number is area code 999-666-7777. Is that the one you have?”

F: “Yes, thank you. Now, are you calling about your, uh, 1954 Mainliner?”

BL: “Yes. That’s the one. Oh, I’ve had that car for years and years. She’s almost as old as I am.”
Laughs aloud.

F: “You don’t sound so old to me.”

BL: “There you go again, you young men. I say! Ronny is the same way. Always giving compliments.”

F: Looking increasingly uncomfortable.
“So, when did you first experience the problems with your vehicle?”

BL: “Well, let’s see. Probably about 30 years back that sound started up but the smoke didn’t come until about a year later.”

F: “30 years ago! Okay. Uh, Mrs. Littleman, what influenced you to call Ford today?”

BL: “Well, I received this brochure in the mail for updates to my Ford stocks and they always let stockholders know what new cars they’re making. Well, your number was on the back and it says right here”
She picks up the brochure and brings it close to her face.
“Ford Customer Service Department and gives the hours and 800 number, you see.”

F: “Alright, Mrs. Littleman, so what are you seeking from Ford today?”

BL: “Well, I want to get my car fixed, I suppose. It’s certainly been long enough.”

F: Using typical call handling procedure, Forddie repeats what the customer wants in a paraphrase.“So you want to find out how to get your vehicle fixed, is that correct?”

BL: “Hard of hearing, dear.”

F: “Uh, we recommend you have your vehicle taken to an authorized Ford dealership to have them diagnose the vehicle.”

BL: “Are they car doctors?”
Laughs to herself.
“Well, I’m not quite sure where one is.”

F: “No problem. I can help you locate one that’s close to you. I’ll just put your zip code into genuineservice.com and it’ll provide all the dealerships in the area. Do you have access to the Internet?”

BL: “The what dear?”

F: “A computer for searching on the Internet.”

BL: “Oh dear no. That sounds like something my sweet Ronny would be on about. No, not me, I just don’t get all those e-lec-tronic things now-a- days. In my time, people did things for themselves and didn’t rely much on gadgets.”

F: “I can understand your point of view. I have found one station in your area. It’s Let There Be Ford at 7 times 77 Revelations Blvd in Yahwey.”

BL: “Oh yes, I know that place. My, I always thought it was some kind of church.”
Laughs.
“Well, should I call before I go?”

F: “Yes, Mrs. Littleman. The number is 999-777-7777. Just ask for the service department and they’ll set up an appointment for you to bring in your vehicle.”

BL: “Will it cost anything? I have my warranty papers in the car. They’re kind of yellowed and a bit frayed at the edges.”

F: “Unfortunately, your warranty has expired some time ago and I don’t see that you have an extended service plan on this vehicle, so this will be a customer pay situation.”

BL: “I see. Well, you have to pay for anything anymore. Surely with my old car it couldn’t be too much.”

F: “Alright Mrs. Littleman, so have I been clear with the information I’ve provided to you today and you’re next steps?”

BL: “Oh yes, young man. Thank you kindly! Are you sure I can’t introduce you and my Ronny?”

F: “I’m sure it would be a conflict of interest, but I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you with your Mainliner’s concerns today and wish you a pleasant afternoon.”

BL: “Well alright. If you’re sure? Bye, bye.”

End