Big Questions, Short Answers

The following questions and answers concern the weighty topic of ending discrimination against gays and lesbians right to marry in the U.S. All material, save this intro, is from:

Wolfson, Evan. Why Marriage Matters: America, Equality, and Gay People's Right to Marry. Simon & Schuster. New York, 2004.

1. Why does our country need "gay marriage"?

We don't. The term "gay marriage" implies that same-sex couples are asking for rights and privileges that married couples do not have, or for something lesser or different. What gay people are seeking is the legal and equal freedom to marry the person they love and care for, just as non-gay Americans do. The Constitution's guarantee of equal protection and the right to marry belongs to us all.

2. Why do same-sex couples need the right to marry?

Many committed same-sex couples share the same responsibilities as married couples. However, without the freedom to marry, they do not receive the same recognition or protections for their families as married couples. In fact, same-sex couples and their kids face tremendous discrimination. For example, lesbians and gay men who have been their partner's primary caretaker are often denied hospital visitation when there's been an accident or illness, or the ability to obtain "family" health coverage, or taxation and inheritance rights, or even protection in case the relationship ends. Sometimes they see their children taken away, or their role as a parent denied. Regardless of the fact that they have taken responsibility for thei children's and their partner's well-being, both economically and emotionally, legally their status is, at best, that of a roommate. Denied the freedom to marry, same-sex couples and their kids are deprived of literally thousands of legal and economic protections and responsibilities, as well as the emotional, social, and spiritual meaning that marriage has for many.

3. Why change the definition of marriage?

Ending the exclusion of gay people from marriage would not change the "definition" of marriage, but it would remove a discriminatory barrier from the path of people who have made a personal commitment to each other and are now ready and willing to take on the responsibilities and legal commitment of marriage.

This is not the first time our country has struggled over the exclusion from and discrimination in marriage. Previous chapters in American history have seen race discrimination in marriage (ended only in 1967), laws making wives legally inferior to husbands (changed as late as the 1970s and 1980s), resistance to allowing people to end failed or abusive marriages through divorce (fought over in the 1940s and 1950s), and even a refusal to allow married and unmarried people to make their own decisions about whether to use contraception or raise children (decided in 1965).

In each of these struggles, opponents of equality claimed that the proposed change was "against the definition of marriage" and "against God's will." Many of the same claims are made today by opponents now seeking to prevent loving same-sex couples from taking on the legal commitment of marriage. Fortunately, our country rejected the "sky is falling" claims opponents of equality and made marriage a more inclusive and fair commitment of equals. Today we realize that government discrimination in marriage is wrong, and that the choice of a marriage partner belongs to the committed people, not politicians or pressure groups.

4. Isn't marriage really about procreation?

No. Many non-gay people marry and cannot or do not have children. Any many gay men and lesbians do have children but have been denied the right to raise those children within a marital relationship. Legally and in reality, marriage is best understood as a relationship of emotional and financial interdependence between two people who make a public commitment. Many people wanting to get married---gay or non-gay---wish to be parents; many others do not. The choice belongs to the couple, not the state.

5. What if my religion opposes same-sex relationships?

This is not about forcing any church to perform or extend religious recognition to any marriages it doesn't want to. This is about the right to the civil marriage license issued by the state, which religious groups should not interfere with (just as the state should not interfere with religious ceremonies one way or the other). Of course, many lesbians and gay men are active in their respective religions, many of which do recognize and suppot their loving unions and commitments.

6. Why aren't domestic partnerships or civil unions good enough?

In one state, Vermont, there is now a nonmarriage marital status called "civil union," and other states from California to New Jersey have begun creating new legal relationships to begin providing protections and legal obligations for committed same-sex couples and their kids. Often, in certain municipalities and companies, this limited recognition of relationships between unmarried partners, including same-sex couples, is called "domestic partnership." The legal and economic consequences of such nonmarriage protections vary considerably and are of value to the families covered. However, neither civil unions nor domestic partnerships cofer the full security and range of tangible and intangible protections a marriage itself. Such additional forms of recognition and no substitute for the equal right to marry.

7. Isn't this a bad time to fight for the right to marry?

To some, there is never a good time to fight any battle for equal rights. But same-sex couples are lining up by the thousands all across the country seeking marriage licenses, while legislatures and courts are grappling with ending discrimination. Meanwhile, opposition groups for their own political purposes and broader anti-gay, anti-civil-rights, and anti-choice, and anti-separation-of-church-and-state agendas, are trying to stampede politicians into denying not just marriage, but any equal protections or recognition for America's gay couples and families. As always in the struggle for human rights, the outcome will depend on how those of us committed to equal rights engage in the state-by-state and national leagl and political battles under way and on how many fair-minded (non-gay) Americans speak up against discrimination and division.

8. How can I help?

Whether you are gay or non-gay, you can help by speaking out against discrimination and in favor of equal responsibilities and rights for all Americans. By telling your personal stories and explaining to your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and fellow citizens why you cannot remain silent at a crucila civil rights turning-point. By supporting or joining the broad-based coalition of gay and non-gay individuals and groups that support equal marriage rights. By signing on to the Marriage Resolution at www.freedomtomarry.org, and asking others to do the same. By telling politicians, judges, neighbors, and others that it is time to end discrimination throughout the United States.

Fall is kinda sorta in the air

Was this past weekend spectacular or what!? That clear blue sky and the temperate temp was the best. Why can't Chicago always be just like that! Although, it's strange, I used to prefer much warmer temps. I suppose if I had my druthers, I would still prefer more temperate temps year round but I don't currently have my druthers, so I must deal with the impending doom of dreary, depressing, and life threatening winter. Okay, maybe that's a bit melodramatic.

I went to see Thumsucker over the weekend. It was a curious film about self dicovery, gaining self confidence, and getting the hell away from home. The cast was quite good including Tilda Swinton (love her!), Vincent D'Onofrio, Vince Vaughn, Keanu Reeves and others whose names escape me (as names often do). I'm no film critic, so I can't really (at all) tell you why I liked it or what worked versus what didn't. All I can say is, it made me feel good but it wasn't a feel-good movie by any means.

I decided I needed to re-pot my houseplants before winter set in and getting out on the back porch would be unbearable. Although, with this Indian fall were experiencing there may be good days yet. Anyway, while I was perusing the foilage at Home Depot I decided I needed a new big plant and something striking. So, I bought a palm and an orchid. Oddly (but providentially), there was also a woman on some orchid board there when I was and she told me I had an excellent eye for orchids. Hm. She also gave me the lowdown on orchid care for seasons of good orchid to come. We'll see. However, my apartment does seem much improved with the addition of the palm and the orchid. Ah!

(incoming random thought) I just remembered I was supposed to upload pix from the D.C. march.

Just kill me now!

I don't know how much longer I can deal with my life. It seems like everyday there's a new issue I have to contend with and I'm beginning to feel buried. Last Friday was a particularly drob day. My dear friend, the sun, never showed his shining face once all day and I missed his presence sorely. I don't even remember what I did on Friday. I must have slept through most of it. Oh, wait, it's coming back to me. I had to work. Oh, yeah, because I injured my wrist earlier in the week and missed two days of work, so I had to work on a Friday. Ur!

Saturday was a bit better. I was able to play a little volleyball while compensating for my left wrist. My playing was decidedly not up to par but it was good to be active. Although, I tried to work out alittle but found I couldn't do anything involving arms because of my damn wrist. I felt like such a slush. Saturday night, I had plans to meet up with some friends for a play and dinner, except the place I recommended ended up being closed (forever). Of course, there was no mention of their closing on their website or in any of the local entertainment papers. Whatever! So we then walked up and down Halsted and North searching for a decent meal. We discovered that only Italians eat out in that part of town. Very odd. Okay, there is one Mexican place but it was packed, packed, packed. Well, I guess when you offer the only alternative in a part of town, you're bound to be busy. So we ended up at Pizza Capri (not to be confused with California Pizza Kitchen) and we're supposed to meet our friend Lauren there, except she went to CPK. Whatever! I lost my appetite. After dinner, we made our way to the Royal George where we enjoyed a lovely piano recital by a man dressed up as Chopin. It was okay. I shouldn't complain too much since I wasn't paying. I just kept feeling like I was going to fall asleep. Then when I thought it was all over and we were free, Chopin had the nerve to demand we all take part in a sing-a-long to songs I didn't know the lyrics to. Nerve! Whatever. Eventually we were released and as we slowly existed the theater, one of my friends correctly noted that a fire in the building would definitely result in a slow painful death.

Sunday, the sun returned. Thank you sun! However, I managed to stay inside most of the day anyway. I don't know, I guess I was wiped out from the sluggish weekend already. I did manage to play a few dull games with my volleyball league. Everyone seemed to be spaced out and we all made numerous dumb mistakes. At least we were able to laugh at ourselves over it. And, I got dubbed "Thunder" for my oh-so powerful serves. I told my team I'm going to get a shirt made with my title across the back. Anyone know where I can get a shirt made?

Monday morning as I went out to my car to go to work ON COLUMBUS DAY GODDAMMIT! I found this note stuck in the driver's side window. It said "Get news the 49th Ward leaders don't want you to know!" followed by a blog address. If you too are curious on the dirt on Rogers Park, then go here. The wierd thing was that only my car had this note. What made whomever placed the note place it on my car. Was it the selection of liberal cause bumperstickers? Or was it the simple fact that I drive an old, beat up Volvo (the universal sign of liberalism)? Hm? I also received a disturbing email from my student loan provider to let me know I had a payment due this month. I just graduated last month. I was like, what? no grace period? It became a screaming and bitching match between myself and the Indian customer service man at Sallie Mae. I still don't understand what's going on. I need a stiff drink. Who's up for Monday Margaritas?

Good Times/Bad Times

Over the weekend, I went to a fantastic BBQ at my friend Linda's place. First, she lives in this incredible Chicago apartment in a neighborhood where most apartments are small and crappy. I know. I've looked. Anyway, I was shocked to see how high her ceilings were, like fourteen feet. Wood floors throughout, of course, and transets over every door. Big kitchen, enclosed back porch, parking, BBQ area, laundry. Did I mention it's a two bedroom? Oh, and the landlord installed these cool motion sensor lights that go on whenever you get near them in all the hallways. It's a diamond in the rough of the near westside.

Then, if the surroundings weren't enough, we had a virtual buffet of savory foods like seasoned shrimp skewers, pork and veg kabobs, sweet potato with ginger, fresh greens salad, fresh guacamole, fresh black bean dip, steak! Also, my hostess made a huge pitcher of the best sangria ever. It had a special ingredient which I can't reveal. Secret. There was also beer for days and days. Lordy! Then, to top it all off, the company was perfect. Everyone was able to enjoy the group vibe. I met some very interesting and funny people. A couple of them work at Columbia where I received my BA. They described the place as incestuous. HA! It's true. They were refering to the faculty but, trust me, it's true all around.

There were two weird things that happened that night. One, someone drove down their street and decided to dump their garbage on the street! One of our hostesses tried to call them out but they just drove away. Idiots! Then, as I was leaving, I saw some guy passed out in his car, only he was parked in the street. I mean, he was right in front of a parking space but not quite in it. Linda's friend went up to the guy's window and was like "hey, dude, wake up!" The guy must have been blitzed. HA!

So that was Saturday. Sunday I had my second volleyball league day. I love playing on the team and this particular league is really great because they teach you how to play the game right. I never knew about proper ways of hitting the ball, what was legal , what wasn't. I never really knew about proper positioning on the court. I've learned to serve like a pro, swoosh, right over the net. Unfortunately, I also took a fall like a pro onto a hard gym floor and managed to severly sprain my left wrist. It didn't really hurt Sunday night, so I kept playing. It was about 1am Monday morning that I was awakened by a pain so intense I almost cried. However, I went to the doctor (Cook Co., which is another story) and he gave me Vicodin (sp?) and Ibuprofen. He said I should be okay in a few days to a week. Doesn't really matter as long as I can play by Sunday. HA! It's true.

"What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now!"

I'm standing shoulder to shoulder in a crowd of hundreds of thousands of American men and women from all over the country. We're massed on the lawn of the Whitehouse late morning on Saturday, September 24, 2005. While much of the Gulf States were bracing for another hurricane, we were getting geared up to march for peace. To end the war in Iraq. And to end the conflict in Israel. As I looked back and forward through the throngs of people, I was empowered to see the great diversity of people who made the trip to D.C. to take part in this historic event. Men, women, children, and people of every conceivable ethnicity were present. There were multitudes of signs with slogans like "George Bush, Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina . . . All Disasters," "War is a lack of Imagination," "Impeach Bush," "Who Would Jesus Bomb," and so many others. Buses rolled in from every state in the union sponsored by groups like Answer Coalition, United for Peace and Justice, Neighbors for Peace, Impeach Bush.org, etc. In many cases, buses were sponsored by community groups of like minded individuals who just needed to be there and make their voices heard. I had never seen so many people united for a cause in all my life. We listened to speeches delivered by Rev. Jesse Jackson, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, Elias Rashmawi: National Council of Arab Americans, Ben Dupuy: Former Ambassador At Large for the government of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, Malik Rahim: New Orleans community activist who survived Hurricane Katrina, Cindy Sheehan, Wesley Clark, George Galloway: British Member of Parliament, Jos Williams: President, President of the Metropolitan Washington Council, AFL-CIO, Curtis Muhammed: Community Labor Union of New Orleans, Peta Lindsay: Youth and Student A.N.S.W.E.R. Student, Howard University student, Jeanette Caceres: Spoken word artist from New York University, and representatives from the two major groups who organized the event: A.N.S.W.E.R. and United for Peace and Justice. Then we took to the streets of Washington D.C. A river of protestors chanting slogans like "What does democracy look like? I'm what democracy looks like!," "Impeach Bush," "What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now!" The march route took us from the Washington Monument grounds passed the Whitehouse and throughout downtown D.C. We effectively shut down all transit in the city. They're were protestors everywhere, as far as the eye could see. There were so many people that the protest line moved in a slow step by step progression. There were people lining the route from end to end, spilling out from city buildings and hotels, intersecting the route from sidestreets. Our contingent became especially vigilant in front of the Whitehouse where chanting became feverish and people screamed for peace. As the day ended, we reconvened on the Whitehouse lawn for a concert featuring Joan Baez and other socially minded musicians. On September 24, 2005, the American voice was heard resoundingly. The American people's presence was felt.

Going into this event, I didn't really know what to expect. I had frivolously been trying to come up with a plan for my birthday weekend. Last year, I had gone to New York City and this year wanted to plan something as fun. It was my friend Jamie who initially told me about the march and the local group out of Evanston that was sponsoring a bus to get there. I hesitated to make a commitment to going for a couple of weeks, but soon decided that I needed to take part in this and that it would be the best thing I could do with my b-day weekend. I traveled on a fairly uncomfortable bus for 15 hours each way through the night making a few stops and eating the worse possible food. However, none of that mattered because I was with an amazing group of people who had come together from all across Chicago. I was amongst people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds and ethnicity who were united for a cause. My friends Jamie, Cathy, and I also had the opportunity to visit both the WWII Memorial and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. We walked from end to end of our nations capital and at the end of the day knew there was no better way to have spent 8 hours in a day.

Music and Movies

I don't know about you but I had a great weekend. Saturday I went to the Hideout Block Party. Normally, I rarely attend these kind of events. I don't really care for large, open crowd kind of shindigs but the lineup and the fee were perfect. It was $10 bucks for a bunch of awesome bands. Although, the three that really stood out were Eleventh Dream Day, The Sam Roberts Band, and The DB's.

Eleventh Dream Day did alot of new material but rocked us like they are known to do. The way Rick Rizzo plays guitar shows just how much fun he has. They played a couple tunes they haven't even named yet. Following them was this group out of Canada called The Sam Roberts Band. I had no idea what to expect, never having heard of them before, but they are like a 70s/80s rock and roll band (hair and all). They do the kind of songs that could easily become anthems. They sing about social change and the betterment of society. I know, doesn't sound like a rock band but they are. Following them were The DB's who haven't played together since the early 80s. They still have that 80s new wave sound and their songs were all about screwed up love. Ha! They were also the only band that the Hideout crew aloud to do an encore. We all cheered for both Eleventh Dream Day and The Sam Roberts Band to do extra songs but The Hideout was trying to stick to a tight schedule. I guess b/c The DB's hadn't played live in so long, they let them do it. You can check out the whole lineup at The Hideout.

On Sunday, I went to see the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. The Baxter cracked me up. I almost never laugh out loud to the point of tears but Michele Williams is a gem in this flick. The writer/director/and lead Michael Showalter was great as "the baxter." Others in the cast were Paul Rudd and Elizabeth Banks. The infectious humor reminded me of the same kind of things I liked about Kissing Jessica Stein, though not a laugh out loud. I highly recommend this movie to everyone who has an ounce of a romantic nature and you can even take a quiz to see if you're a baxter here.

Next weekend, I'm flexing my activism muscle and marching on Washington. There's going to be a huge peace rally featuring Cindy Sheehan's group, bands, speakers, and folks from all over the country converging on D.C. I'll tell you all about it next week. Get a preview here.

An overly eventful weekend!

Friday was a big opening night for many of the Chicago area galleries and one of my favs was showing the work of Audrey Niffenegger. She's this amazing, prolific artist whose work is kind of mystical and dark and comic. The perfect mix of attributes. She places herself into almost all her pieces, a little self-indulgent, but her work is an expression of her inner thoughts and experiences, so why not? You have to see it to really appreciate it. The show is very thought provoking. In fact, it provoked me into buying two of the pieces. Going into debt for art seems like a noble thing to do. It's probably the closest I'll ever get to doing anything noble at all. Luckily, this particular gallery and I have a long standing relationship, so they "work" with me on payment arrangements. One must have connections when investing in art. Ha! My old friend Trish, who used to do their accounting and was my neighbor, introduced me to them and ever since they've been very accommodating.

I also got my bound MFA thesis back. I had no idea what it was going to look like. I thought, well, binding, what? like spiral bound? staples? a binder clip?! It's nothing brilliant but the lady in the liberal studies office handed me this book, like a real book-book, and I looked at it like . . . what is this? You want me to hold this? And then I realized it was my thesis! They made it look pretty cool. It's hard bound in dark green and has the thesis title and my name along the spine. I had my friend Sherri, who I work with, glue a postcard of one of Audrey's pix to the cover. If you're ever over, I'd be happy to show it off. Into poetry?

Here was the bad, very distressing, and drove me to drink (not that I need an excuse) part of the weekend. I have to give a little back story as I go into this. See, for the past few weeks, I had developed this wierd rash on both my arms and I couldn't figure out what was causing it. I thought it might be poison ivy, detergent, an allergy, something I ate, etc. Well, Saturday morning as I awoke and opened my weary eyes, my head was flat on the mattress and I saw these little things scurrying to and fro in front of my eyes. Getting the chills? I sat up and grabbed my glasses to get a better picture. The upper, right corner of the bed was crawling with little bugs! I jumped out of bed and began pulling back the sheets, slowly, so nothing suddenly jumped out. I sickeningly discovered my bed was infested with bed bugs. Did you're mother or father ever say to you "Don't let the bed bugs bite" as you went off to bed? Well, they really do bite. They're icky blood sucking vamps that feast on you while you sleep and then sneak away in the day. I can't believe I didn't know they were there for almost three weeks. I had to throw everything out. The bed (mattress, box spring), all my sheets, two pillows, my deco frame, and a bunch of old bags that were under the bed. I spent all of Saturday cleaning that room from floor to ceiling. On the upside (there is one, right?), I got rid of a lot of stuff I didn't really need. One the downside, I have no bed. I'm couching it for now. My sofa is pretty comfortable and I'm not ready to bring another bed into the house right now. I have to be sure the vamps are all gone. Anyway, I just agreed to buy art! Art/bed/art/bed . . . art!

By the time Sunday rolled around, I really needed to have some fun. Luckily, I had prearranged plans for the roller derby with my friends Charlotte and Linda. We were joined by a few others and had a blast. We began our outing at Arturo's, one of three 24/7 Mexican restaurants along Western Ave right next door to eachother. Margaritas, a haunted juke box, and the girls said the bathroom may have had a visitation too. I guess the toilet flushes itself.

After getting our buzz on, we meandered over to the Congress for the School Daze Showdown. It was The Fury vs. the Double Crossers and Smells Like Fish (aka The Manic Attackers) vs. Hell's Belles. Roller Derby is everything you might expect if you haven't been before. I hadn't but it made me think of being at a boxing match. Really loud. Groups of unusual people. Team signs and banners. Girls with kick ass names like Jackie Trip'her, Sadie Masochist, Ida Ho, Coco Bang Bang (loved her), Lucy Furr, Quiet Storm (loved her), Ana Mission (rocks!), etc. Booze of course, but really over priced. It's a vicious sport with lots of cattiness and camp, but what a riot. I highly recommend it as a start to the dreary work week.

Then, to top off the evening, we went to Margie's Candies for home-made ice cream creations! Mmmmm! I had a turtle sundae (3 scoops, hot fudge, caramel, nuts, whip, wafer, and a cherry). My friends all had other similar creations. As it happened, Margie's was my dinner Sunday night. Well, it makes sense to have a sundae on Sunday. I think it's okay, even required, to sub ice-cream for a sensible meal (aka my diet plan) on ocassion. Don't you?

An uneventful weekend

It's funny that I'm booked up next weekned but that this past weekend with its extra day, there were no advanced plans, so everything was on the fly. I saw two films: Junebug and The Constant Gardner. Both are worth a see. Junebug is your quirky family dramedy set mostly in North Carolina but with a Chicago connection in the story. This'll be particularly funny for people who know my friend Jennie Wood because she is from NC and this film will give everyone a little notion as to why she fled from there. There's also a great Henry Darger knock-off character, who plays an outsider artist that paints civil war pictures of soldiers with big dicks shooting bullets. Oh yeah!

The Constant Gardner is way more somber but a fantastic story about a diplomat (Ray Fiennes) and his activist wife (Rachel Weiz) living in Kenya. I won't give it all away but in the film's credits there is a dedication to "All the United Way workers and others who died giving a damn."

I also had Thai food with my friend Tamara followed by the best margarita's this side of Mexico. I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and exhausted myself following my friend Christina and her six year old daughter around. Although, I also ran into an old friend who I thought was living in Germany but has since moved back to Chicago. Incidentally, I also have another friend from Chicago who is living in Germany still.

Saturday morning I had coffee with my downstairs neighbor while I was waiting for my wash to finish and met some of my other neighbors too. I found out one of them had been in the building as long as I have (5 years) and neither of us had seen the other before. The building isn't that big.

I've also been going through the Xena series. I'm up to season three. There's a lot more to that show than I ever realized. I hadn't really watched when it was on and I am surprised by the quality of the show.