I've done it again. Somehow I've managed to delude myself into a situation that seems to be completely of my own imagination. What is with me? What's in my head, other than a whole lotta air. I have to wonder sometimes. Sometimes often, truth be told, I think I'm too trusting or I want to believe in people too much. Maybe I'm just lonely and I hate it, because I feel so pathetic. Goddamn it! I've always been very independent. I escaped an abusive home. I put myself through college and 30 hours of grad study. Got bored, couldn't finish. But still, came to the Midwest (first mistake) with nothing and now I have a great apartment in the ghetto filled with an assortment of really cool bohemian nick-nacks and awesome art. I've done fairly well for myself. Unfortunately, there's one area in my goddamn life that I continually fuck up. Relationships.
Who doesn't, hasn't, you might say. It's just that I've got EVERYTHING ELSE under control. Why is this area so fucking nightmarish? Why are people (okay, fucked up gay men, boys) so goddamn insincere? Why do they say one thing when they really mean something else? How can they lie to my goddamn face? When someone says I'm working on cleaning up my life and working on my spirit and becoming a better person (okay, okay, so there's a lot of red flags here), it doesn't seem unreasonable to believe it. However, it is. You should never take what anyone (especially fucked gay boys) says on face value because they can't be trusted. Insincerity is in their genes. It's part of the genetic makeup. When the gods made gays, they said "okay, they can sleep with eachother but they will never tell the truth."
Look, this rant (and it is a rant) is coming out of my rather feeble heart which has recently (today) been crushed by mounds of insincerity. This guy I've been seeing has taken me for a goddamn ride. Who are these shisters? Why did I believe all the bullshit? I should have known something wasn't right when I found out he was hooked on crystal. I'm an idiot. I just wanted to believe in him. I really like him. However, it seems I'm something like a diversion for a rainy day for him. Bastard! What is the point of putting ourselves out there if the people we put ourselves out to are assholes disquised as sincere people. It's like I have blinders on. I can't see their lechery because of the smokescreen they envelope themselves in (literally, Marlboro smoke). It's enough to make a man straight or bi at least. Although, no, that's just not the same.
What's the answer? Live and learn? I've been living for almost 37 years and have learned nothing. When does the learning kick in? I hate being the stupid one!
