"Anxiety"

I'm feeling anxious about everything right now. I'm returning to my late graduate studies, which I abandoned in a state of disinterest and problems with my program. I was led to believe that things had improved within the program but I found out over the weekend that one of the last two classes I need to finish this thing had been cancled due to lack of enrollment. This has been a problem since I began this program, especially in my concentration. I've been able to combat it by taking independent studies in lieu of classes but it was the class format I wanted from this program. In some ways, it feels like it was all a waste. But, I also feel like not completing it now, when I'm nearly there, would be a greater waste. I'll be through by September. It's funny, this situation seems to be reflective of much of the years I've spent in the midwest. It's always been a place of tenuous possibilities that crumble under the oppressive weight of reality. I feel kept down by so many forces from the harsh climate to unsteady employment to a general lack of enthusiasm to being here. It seems like my life has been swallowed up in the abyss of the midwest. Hours are eternal here but there's never enough time. The days seem shorter than they are ever long. I always miss the summer and dread the winter. This past weekend, we had an extreme blizzard blow through that buried us all in piles of snow. That's how I feel. Buried.

"Golden Globes, Movies, and Good Friends"

I'm not going to give you a run down of the entire Golden Globe ceremony. Fact is, I didn't watch it. I've come to find award shows so boring no matter who or what may be up for an award. However, I will say that I'm delighted by the results that I've found on the GG website this morning. Here are some highlights as they matter to me:

Best Picture/Comedy: Sideways (Duh!)
Best Screenplay/Comedy: Sideways (Double Duh!)
Best Supporting Actress/Drama: Natalie Portman for Closer (didn't I say she was the best thing going in that movie)
Best TV Drama: Nip Tuck (nice surprise, not nearly so predictable)
Best TV Comedy: Desperate Housewives (yes, I am a victim to this show too)

I was also delighted to see that Jason Bateman got one for Arrested Development and Angelica Huston for Iron Jawed Angels. Even though, I know, these awards aren't really given out purely based on merit, it seems this year's crop of winners come closer to the mark than of late. It'll be interesting to see how closely the Oscars line up or diverge.

I also caught Kinsey this weekend with my friend Charlotte. The film was highly praised by a very good friend (who shall remain unnamed). We both found it disappointing. I thought the pace of the film was all wrong. I thought if all the R rated material had been removed (mostly some images and some language) it could have been as successful as a made for TV movie or made for cable (with everything left in). I understand the challenge of doing a biopic in two hours but it's the choices of what to cover and what to skip that will keep my interest or loose it. It was clear to me from this director's point of view how important Kinsey's childhood was to the man he becomes and yet, it was entirely skimmed over in the course of ten minutes. Also, his marriage that forms much of the emotional conflict in the film doesn't receive nearly as much screen time as the syncopated interviews (so boring). I thought Liam Neeson's portrayal of Kinsey was flat. It didn't matter how interesting Laura Linney was because she was acting in a vacuum. In the end, I'm so glad I saw it as a matinee at the Davis ($5). As I look back over the past film season, I can only think of three films that I really enjoyed and those were: A Love Song for Bobby Long, Sideways, and Spanglish in that order. This weekend, I'm looking forward to the opening of the Henry Darger docu-drama In the Realms of the Unreal at the Music Box. Don't know who Henry Darger is? Shame on you!

"My Jet-Set Life "

Oh god, it's hard to come back to the regularity of everyday life after spending two weeks jetting around the US. I've only been away for two weeks but it seems like I've been away forever. Returning to the office this morning, in some ways, felt like my first day of work. Everything seems unfamiliar and simultaneously, sadly familiar.

My first week away was spent in sunny Florida. I flew down the Monday before Christmas so as to avoid weekend travel mess. I hadn't been back to Florida in about seven years but the lay of the land was still pretty much the same. As I drove my rental car from Orlando over to the east coast where my parents live, I remember feeling slightly apprehensive and expectant that it was going to be another week of familial stasis. What I mean is, when one returns to their family after a long absense, whatever issues that were present when one left are still in the air when one returns. My family doesn't communicate about much, at least not much of any real importance. I think this is true of many families however sad it may be. It's about keeping the peace. It's almost accepted that certain known subjects should not be raised. For us, those would be politics, religion, and personal life. Therefore, we spend our time together eating and playing cards. Thankfully, I enjoy both of those activities and my mother is quite a good cook.

I spent a lot of time driving around to old haunts, walking the beach, and digging through boxes of things I left at my parent's house. In one box, I had saved all the notes I ever received while in high school. I browsed through my year books and considered the lack of significance of my class ring. I had reams of miscellaneous papers from school and early years of college before I left for Chicago. Some of my early attempts at writing were downright embarrassing but I've kept them all the same. I also had a box of receipts dating back into the late 70s. Those went through my father's shredder. I had to clean the thing out twice just to get through it all. Why did I hang on to those?

I have only two friends left in Florida, who are this older couple that I befriended when my parents first moved to Melbourne ( little beach town, not to be confused with Australia). Their house, which sits on the river, was badly damaged in the series of hurricanes that passed over the state last summer. But Lock and Suzanne are built of stronger stuff than hurricanes and are using the calamity as a chance to do some remodeling. That's a life lesson if I ever saw one and, really, is the way I live my own life. When life throws a pie in my face, I eat it off. No, no, no, I'm not all smiles all the time. I get upset and disgruntled but that usually passes pretty quick and I move on. Life's too short and seems to be speeding up the older I get. I choose to laugh in the face of adversity! HA!

Got off on a tangent there. Anyway, I quickly got myself out of the sticky situation of "family" and zipped off Christmas Day to spend a night at the airport before catching an early flight Sunday morning for Los Angeles. Now, I had never been to LA before and had heard quite a mixed bag of propaganda both for and against the city. But, I have to say that I have never seen a more beautiful place. The views and drives around town are amazing. The people were very friendly. There wasn't nearly the amount of wealth that I expected to be confronted with or health junkies. I would say the majority of LAers are like most places, middle of the road folks trying to get by. But if you are trying to get by, then you might as well do it in a place that is as beautiful as LA. Mountains, and ocean, excellent weather, and good company. What more could you ask for? Still unsure or think it's all hype. Well, stay tuned and I'll post some pix in the next week. Better yet, ignore the hype and check it out for yourself. Rent a car and drive baby, drive. Drive Sunset north to the Pacific Coast Highway, then keep going to Malibu. Go to the Getty Museum, which sits on a mountain and has some of the most amazing architecture you may ever see (not to mention the art). Eat out at Mel's and Norm's. Stay in West Hollywood (WeHo) at the Valadon where you'll have a suite with a fireplace. Hang out in Los Feliz at Psychobabble and have dinner at Kitchen. Then go for a drink and a laugh at the Bonaventure Hotel's revolving lounge (aka the It's A Living building). Spend a day at the Santa Monica pier and walk (or rent a bike) down to Venice Beach. If you must shop, skip the Beverly Center and go to the Farmer's Market, the Grove, and the Promenade. If you're there on a Monday night, go to The Joint in south Beverly Hills and jam with some of the great musicians from 70s rock bands. Go hiking in the Hollywood Hills early in the morning. LA is movie and TV land but that is only a portion of the town. It is also a fantasitic, inclusive, liberal-minded community that enjoys some of the best living anywhere. I expect to be living there within the year.