This year was the third time I've spent Christmas without my family and the second time in two years. I remember the first time. I was living in Chicago and out of work just scrapping by on unemployment. I was living in this small, two-room studio in Lakeview and the heat was totally inadequate. It later became an issue that I had to fight over with the landlord. The building had little or no insulation and whatever heat the radiator could generate just seeped out the walls. Anyway, I stayed in Chicago that year and spent the day with my friend Matthew and his mother. And, while, I love that I've always had somewhere to go during the holidays, I do miss my dysfunctional family especially at Christmas when our dysfunction is in high gear.
How does our dysfunction manifest? If you've ever seen the film Home for the Holidays, which is set during Thanksgiving, you get a pretty good idea. Don't get me wrong. I know we all love each other and don't intend to push each others buttons but during the holidays all bets are off. The holidays are like a truce in the family tribe. The truce being just the opposite of what truces are for. It's a truce that any feelings hurt during the holidays are forgiven because it's the holidays. All the forced gaiety and songs of good cheer, which should be practiced throughout the year, are built up from Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve when they're obliterated in a drunken debauchery and people return to their normal cynical selves by the first of the year (on the Gregorian calendar).
The second time I stayed away for the holidays was last year. I had just relocated to California from Florida right around Thanksgiving and was living in a two floor loft with a dysfunctional married couple. How did their (our) dysfunction manifest? Keeping with the film theme, imagine Whose Afraid of Virginia Wolf SOBER! I wont go into the dirty details here but suffice to say I was down with a cold, sleeping on a couch, and isolated in a small (what is it with small spaces/places and depressing holidaze?) beachside community in Southern California. I know, I hear ya. How could living in a beachside town in SoCal be anything but great? I guess an unhappy home life has a way of coloring everything else. As it happened, Christmas morning was actually a lot of fun but later that afternoon everything broke down as it did most days in that environment. However, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I still live in SoCal and chose to stay local for Christmas again. However, this time around it was actually very pleasant, relaxing, and celebratory. Is it because I don't live in a tight, little studio? Was it because there was no pressure to find the perfect gift for everyone on my list? Is it an age thing? Ultimately, I think it is both a mind set and being in the right environment. I love living in Carpinteria and the people I've met here. I spent Christmas day with friends I made while living with the couple I moved to California with. This family, the Fullers, have a great tradition where each year their family and friends of theirs from Ventura, the Allens, come together and pig out on menus decided by a different member(s) of the families each year. This year it was a Mexican fiesta with a huge basket of candy for dessert. We played Balderdash with eleven people while grazing on chocolate until late into the evening. It was low-key, casual, and altogether enjoyable. There wasn't any of the dysfunctionalism I have encountered in past years. It seems when it's all said and done that it doesn't matter so much where you are or who your with but that whomever you are with are people that genuinely care about you, not just at the holidays but all the days. Then, if your with people who genuinely care about you, the place you are in wont have as much an effect on the way you feel.
I hope everyone had a great holiday, but if not then it's time to change something so that next year you will. Whether you're with your blood family or an alternative family, choose to be with people who love you. It'll make all the difference in the Universe.
