"Summer Colds"

There's nothing worse, or not much, than a summer cold. I had been feeling great for weeks. I was nearing the end of a six week workout schedule and was at the top of my game. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold. I felt it creeping past my immunity, largely taxed from working out so much, late Monday afternoon. I wanted to blame it on the weather, on air conditioning, on the lonliness of the day but in the end it is just luck of the draw.

I've come to understand that there are millions of cold viruses out there trying to wear us down all the time. Normally we can fight them off fairly easily but once they have an "in" through our defenses, then we're screwed for the duration. For me, the duration has been about four days. Four days of feeling achy, sneezing, using countless tissues, sleeping excessively, and going in and out of cold medicine dazzes. I've always believed if the drugs didn't make you sleepy, then they weren't going to work. Well, it's a known fact that one has to rest in order to recover faster. We take the zinc, drink the fluids, and try to keep up the appetite but, in the final analysis, it's the drugs and the lapsed time that either kills the virus or lets it run its course.

I've seen so many films over the past four days and I can't remember the names of any. One would think, hope, that having a cold could mean having some time to complete personal projects. Finish that novel, album, conspiracy theory or whatever keeps you interested but instead the time passes as if we are just observing it like in a film. But, we become the film. It's wacked! Then, when it's finally over and we are actually feeling well again, we try to jump back into our lives right where we left off, except you feel so lethargic. I mean, let's face it, we've been laying around for (four) days on end doing relatively nothing. My muscles seem to have atrophied to nothing and just getting out of bed and walking to the computer to post this message makes me wanna take a nap. Just a cat nap. Maybe a shower will help me come alive? Maybe.

"Opening up myself to the possibility"

Gods, this is hard! I'm one of those people who for most of my life have been in a constant state of education. I don't know why I stretched a four year degree into eight years. I'm not sure why I've recently postponed my graduate studies when I'm just two classes and a thesis short of completion. It isn't that I like school all that much and it isn't the loans I owe. I actually paid off all my undergrad loans before I started grad school. Of course, I've spent about the same in two years that I did in eight before. How did that happen?

A friend once called me a Jack of all trades and a Master of none. It wasn't a compliment of any kind. She wasn't trying to be unkind, I know. She was just making me see that in my constant pursuit to field my curiosity that I sometimes take too long to complete a journey I had recently begun. Is that so bad? I think I get distracted because there are so many distractions in this big, bright, and beautiful world. Yes, this world. I know, lately we all have to wonder if the world's brightness and beauty hasn't been snuffed by political turmoil largely brought on by the Bush Administration and the fanatic leanings of certain MiddleEast groups. But the beauty IS still there.

As usual, I'm kind of talking about what I was thinking about when I started this post but I'm somewhat off on a tangent. Okay, so, dating. Yeah, the bane of every single person's existence. I, admittedly, have steered clear of this practice for many a long year. I kept myself closed off to those possibilities believing they would only create an unwanted distraction while I was deeply focused on my education. Oh, of course, I had the ocassional fling, hook up, dinner date, and such. But, it's been a lifetime since I even considered going on a second and third date with the same person. You have to be careful, because then they think you really like them. Well, there I am and I do.

I met this guy Al a few weeks ago. He's a little older than I am and has a really great job. He travels all over the states and the ocassional jaunt to Europe. Bastard (that's just envy talking)! Anyway, it was one of those rare situations when you know from the get go that there's something here, an opportunity, that shouldn't be missed. On our first date, we had great sex and great conversation. I mean we really opened up to eachother. I felt like we made a connection way beyond the physical. The truth is, the sex really took second place to the talk. It was wierd and I wanted more. Since then, we've done dinner a couple of times, rented movies, gone for drives, and had more sex. However, the conversation has been a bit strained at times. Could we have used up all of our deep communication quotient on that first date? Or are we just getting used to having the other around more than just the usual couple of times before it all fizzles. I honestly don't know but I'm going to fight for it. I feel like I have to open myself up to the possibility that this guy could be (I'm not going to say "the one" because I don't believe in anything so final) someone I could either spend the rest of my life with or, at least, the rest of this year.

What's a guy to do? What's anyone to do? It's yet another area of my life where my curiosity has been raised. I'm going to ride it out. Pray to my gods that my heart doesn't get raked across the coals. And believe.

"First thongs, then gay marriage, or is it the other way around?"

This morning, I, and a few other early risers were enjoying some slovenly, skin punishing rays. It's the price of beauty. Alright, so you can do it without the aid of any sun at all these days. But have you ever tried using a self-tanner? Talk about messy. And, if you're alone, what about the back? Someone needs to develop a self-tanner applicator for reaching those hard to get to places. I don't know, though. I grew up in South Florida and have been enjoying (for better or worse) the sun's brilliant energy and the transformation it creates in me as I become summerized!

Anyway, there I was, and the few others who take in early morning sun. Oh yeah, I go out around 8-8:30ish and leave by noon. I don't know that the rays are any less harsh at that time but I'm an early riser and mornings just seem like a good time to tan my hide. The beach I go to now, now that I live in the Midwest and have to accept that the closest thing to an ocean is a big ass lake, is a very liberal kind of beach. Or has been. It's predominantly a gay beach. Gay guys but sometimes you'll see the girls there too. There's no posted signs and no one says to anyone, "hey, this is a gay beach," it's just sort of became that over the years. I guess we just sort of congregated there and claimed it as our own. I guess it makes sense since it's also called Hollywood Beach.

Okay, I keep getting off on tangents but I'm leading to the jist of this little tale. One of the other boys out this morning is someone I recognize from the beach but not someone I've ever been formerly introduced to. I recognize this guy because he is A) very attractive and B) always wears a thong. He's kind of a fixture down there. He's almost always there. I have no idea what he does at other times. Maybe he's a professional tanner? Hm. Well, so there we all are getting our dose of sunshine when strolling down the beach comes one of the lifeguards. He walks up to "thong-boy" and proceeds to tell him, out of the blue, that our fair city of Chicago has passed a city ordinance banning anyone from wearing thongs on the beach. Needless to say, thong-boy is pissed off and tells the hapless lifeguard to go take a hike, or come back with bigger guns. Off he went. Then, back he came with the "captain" (her shirt had Captain written across the front) of the beach. The cheery, 350 pound, big and round, captain proceeded to reiterate the new beach policy and tell tales of how she has had to communicate this bizarre new rule to both men and women. Well, thong-boy still didn't quite believe it and asked to see the city ordinance. It didn't seem like an unreasonable request. I'm sure he was just there the day before in his tong. She acquiesed but requested that he, please, cover up in the meantime. Thong-boy waited for her to leave and then slid into some red-hot, tight ass shorts. He, and his friends, left early that day.

The situation got me to thinking about all the hoo-haw over gay marriage lately. I mean, this idea that one can be banned from doing something so banal. How dare anyone be so comfortable with their bodies as to wear a thong. And, how dare two people, of the same sex, who are in love even want to marry. Come on! Yeah, maybe the transition from thongs to marriage is a bit of a leap but that's the way my mind operates. I just don't see what this threat is that some conservatives seem to think will somehow errode the institution of marriage. What is the gay community suppossed to do? How are we to take care of our loved ones if we can't receive the same protections and benefits under the law that those in the straight community take for granted? If we are all Americans, then how can this even be an issue?

Look, I've heard all the arguments, on both sides, for and against. But, how can our government even consider the idea of excluding a significant part of the American population from the right to marry. They can't stop us from falling in love. They can't stop us from committing to life long partners. They can't even stop us from adopting or having surrogate children. Okay, maybe my last point will come up next if this marriage issue comes in against us. I'm just tired of it all. Let people love who they want to love and, dammit, be happy for them. Let them have the tax breaks. Let them take care of their loved ones when they're sick. Let them inherit without angry family members butting in where they never wanted to be. Just let us live our lives, just like you do.

"Witless and Dis-Grace"

Tell me the truth. Are there really gay men out there that are impressed by the TV show "Will and Grace?" I find the show appalling. Since it came on the air (how long ago?), I've been disappointed by both Jack and Will's apparent lack of any lasting relationships while Grace has had countless boyfriends and a wedding. Why is it that on a show depicting the interrelationships of gays and straights that only the straights are allowed to show affection? I remember one episode, early in the shows run, where Jack and Will walk by the outdoor set of the Today Show. Hal Roker was doing the weather and talking to the crowd when Jack and Will came up. I don't remember the specifics of the situation, but Jack says something to Will about showing the first male to male kiss on TV and proceeds to have the most unappealing lip lock with Will. It looked like they both detested it. I think that was the last "kiss" I've ever see on the show between two men. Am I crazy? Am I being too harsh? I don't know but it seems to me that the show doesn't live up to its premise. Is this a network exec issue? Probably. But, these days, many so called taboos have been challenged on network TV with little lasting fanfare (what was it Janet Jackson did?). Anyway, I'm not expecting "Queer as Folk" on network. I just want the representation to actually represent where I'm coming from rather than some asexual, catty stereotype.

Focusing on the "This"

I was speaking with my friend Jamie the other day. We were talking about the conundrum we all find ourselves in at some point where we question what it is we're doing versus what it is we'd rather be doing. And she asked me (really herself), "is this all there is for me?" I began to think about the idea of a "this-ness" as a period in which one must do something in order to make the bridge to something else. It may be something they'd rather be doing or it may be just another step in their own evolution.

Jamie and I work for a generalist publisher and, though, the work can be interesting, we are still encased in cubicles wilting from the lack of any natural light and the constant pressures of deadline driven work. On the upside, we are in a creative environment and our department is fairly liberal. We are mostly left to our own devices in order to get our projects done. Then, on the downside, we are in a corporation that firmly believes in the bottom line and will happily squelch a good book idea if it is too new. Meaning, we mostly do books that have already been done by countless other general publishers in one form or another and under various titles. It's kind of like working in a Hollywood studio.

So, when Jamie asked me if the "This" she is in was all there would be, that part of my psyche that regulates philosophical ideas blurted out "Hell No Girlfriend!" However, it was simultaneously transcribed into an idea that there are times in our lives when we must focus on whatever the "This" is that we find ourselves in with the conviction that times are changing. Whether you believe in evolution or not, we all go through it. Think about how your own ideas and actions have changed over the course of your lives. Evolution is change. It's unavoidable. Thank the gods!

The next time you find yourself questioning your own state of affairs, just remember that "This" is never all there is. Because "This" is temperal and we, my friends, are not.

A Question of Time

"The past is a dream. The future is a fantasy. The only reality is right now."

~LM