Sleazy Salesman 101

I think it was a bad sign when on the eve of my foray into car sales I saw both a mysterious mushroom-like cloud and a murder of crows. All right, maybe those two things had nothing to do with it but after two very long weeks of supposed training my infamous car sales career began and ended in a single day. Flash back two weeks. It's the Tuesday after Labor Day and I decide on a whim to follow up a lead for a car sales job with the words "no experience" in block print all around the outside of the ad like a seam holding its lies in the newspaper.

Toyota Dealership seeks
Gullible and Uneducated
for Unrealistic Earnings.
No Experience Wanted
Generous Commissions
First Year Earnings 75-80k
Paid Training 12.50/hour

Essentially, I figured I'd go down, apply and then be sent on my merry way. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that the company was run by the gullible and uneducated. Why they had me fill out an application is uncertain, because they couldn't possibly comprehend it. My resume was tucked inside and the interviewer, a voluminous Captain K character, pretty much asked one question. "Why car sales." I made the mistake of giving him the only answer he wanted, "I want to make money."

"Money, money, money
Makes the world go 'round, the world go 'round, the world go 'round"

Captain K stepped away from the desk for a minute to supposedly confer with his manager and then returned to tell me I was in. I think my heart sank, that is, plummeted and made a sound as it bounced on the floor. "I have a training class that began this morning, but it's full," he said. Later I'd find this statement to be total BS but at that moment I felt challenged, so I said, "I was hoping to get something going today. Surely, whatever I've missed and I can pick up." Captain K went away again to confer with his manager. A moment later he returned and asked if I was ready to head over to the training class. Looking back, I should have said I'd start in the next training class as I had an appointment with Kmart for a cashier position. I would've said it was the employee discount that was drawing me and if he could set up something similar with Toyota, then I'd be more inclined to stay. As it was I was abducted into Car Sales 101 for the next two weeks.

The "full" class I encountered was five guys, all of which had been sitting around all morning with nothing to do. This would happen frequently because Captain K would take frequent breaks throughout the day and disappear for extended periods of time. We introduced ourselves and I quickly found out there was more education in that tiny training room than in all of the Toyota dealership combined. One guy had a master's in philosophy, another had been in the military and had a bachelor's in engineering, while another had a degree in risk management. What brought us all to this place?

"Money, money, money
Makes the world go 'round, the world go 'round, the world go 'round"

The Philosopher and I were suckered by the ad. Creative types and intellectuals are always duped by dollar signs like a dear caught in the headlights. Close your eyes, run, it's evil. All type ads should be viewed by its reflection only, otherwise you're slowly turned stone cold, stupid, and your education fades away. Risk management guy simply thought it would be a good place to work. Clearly his planets were misaligned. He actually went in and just applied on the very day the dealership was looking for new victims, like a hungry Venus flytrap. Snap! The military man had a previous career in sales and was slated for Cadillac anyway. There were two others but both were gone by Thursday.

Our trainer was a former musician and had toured with the likes of Tom Petty (who hated him), the Bellamy Brothers (who he drove for), and Merle Haggard (who is shorter in person). He claimed to have had some success in the business but the woman he wanted to marry insisted he get a stable job. He had previously sold t-shirts on tours and figured car sales were the next step. He's living proof of the destructive nature of sales on the creative person. He was also severely diabetic and treated his body like a starving candy machine. His highs and lows were so unpredictable, even he didn't see them coming. We had to watch our every word. A mistimed joke or off-hand comment would launch Captain K into a tirade.

"I so sick of this shit, this is fucking serious, I'm trying to teach you boys how to make some money."
"Fucking listen up."
"Just shut up!"
"Do you want to leave, because I don't need to put up with this fucking shit?”
"Motherfucker!"

He referred to us all as boys even though the military man was older than he. Throughout the training he kept emphasizing personal integrity but had none to show and professionalism but wasn't professional. Strangely missing was any mention of respect either for your customers or your associates. In fact, we were daily warned that the other salespersons would do everything in their power to get rid of us. He even shared a confidential report from a previous saleslady who was physically threatened by another salesman and the company sided with her accuser because he made sales.

"Money, money, money
Makes the world go 'round, the world go 'round, the world go 'round"

Each day we would arrive at 8:45 and then wait until 9-ish for Captain K to show up. We would then proceed to make our way through the training manual he wrote, which was littered with signs of his illiteracy and complete disregard for English grammar. His manual was filled with the typical array of sales beatitudes. It included a ten-step guide to success probably adapted from a Tony Robbins video.

HOW TO STUMP THE CHUMPS IN TEN EASY STEPS

1. HOW TO THINK IS EVERYTHING:
Every customer is a potential commission and your fellow salesmen are obstacles to that commission. Propagate a negative environment. Proactively feed their minds with your hatred.

2. GIVE UP DREAMING AND FOCUS ON FINANCIAL GOALS:
Make a list of anything you've ever dreamed about doing, then, for each dream, cross it out and write how you could be making money instead.

3. TAKE ACTION:
Constantly refer back to number one, both by reading it as your daily affirmation and by believing you are Number One.

4. STOP LEARNING:
Avoid any and all education at all costs. Education will distract you. Education leads to free thinking, creativity, and liberalism. Refer back to number one; it has everything you need to know.

5. BE MEAN:
Success is an advantage to take everyone you can. Don't be afraid to punch them when they're down, this will lead to increased earnings.

6. MANIPULATE DETAILS:
Construe the facts. If a situation is not in your favor, then change whatever you can to make it so. If you can steal a deal, steal it. If you can steal half a deal, take half.

7. SPEND YOUR MONEY AND WASTE TIME:
You have to spend money to make money. If you seem successful, people will be taken in by you. If you seem like you have all the time in the world, then those around you will drop their guard and you will have the advantage. Refer back to Number One.

8. LIE, CHEAT, AND AVOID 100% RESPONSIBILITY:
Otherwise, numbers 1-7 won't matter.

The fact that the ten steps are completed in eight is par for the course. Then, when we weren't spending out time going over sales strategies, we would venture over to the dealership and walk around cars. The "Six Point Walk Around" is the salesman's tactic to lure their victims into buying cars they neither want nor need.

"The vehicle gets excellent gas mileage, both city and highway. It has ABC breaks, Airbags, and Vehicle Stability Control. Plush interiors are ergonomically designed to make driving a pleasure. Have a seat and I'll take you for a test drive. Make sure all limbs are inside the vehicle before the ride commences."

Upon the return from the drive, the victim is asked to purchase the vehicle for the first of many times. If the victim has a trade-in, the next step is the "Silent Appraisal". The vehicle will be appraised by the used car manager who will seek every conceivable reason to downgrade the value of a trade-in, while the Silent Appraisal is to give the salesperson an opportunity to set their victim up for the disappointment to come. The salesperson walks silently around the victim's vehicle with a critical eye and makes numerous notations. He may rub his hand across the finish or place a pen up to the tire tread. He may nod or shake his head, all the while eroding the victim's confidence that they will get a good value for their trade.

At this point, the salesperson will take the victim into his den and attempt to insert his blood sucking fangs into the most prevalent artery. He will give his victim the impression that he is working in their best interest to get them the best possible deal.

"Alright, your new vehicle is 24,999. After your trade and savings, the difference is 14, 999. With tax, fees, and title, and your current pay-off on your trade of fifteen thousand, this gives you an out the door total of 35,999. With as little as 5000 down, we can get you a payment of 600-675 a month. Just sign here."

The victim feels immediately confused and disoriented. It's the poison beginning to take effect. How did the price go from thirty thousand down to fifteen thousand and up to thirty-five thousand? The victim may or may not argue the numbers. The salesperson may return to his manager's desk frequently as his victim is left to sort through the myriad of legal-looking paperwork. "Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here. Please initial everywhere you've already signed." The idea is to wear the victim down. Drag out the process until the victim becomes subdued and agrees just to escape. Once their name is on the dotted lines, the deal is done.

"Money, money, money
Makes the world go 'round, the world go 'round, the world go 'round"

I spent one day on the sales lot. I arrived early to survey the inventory of new and used vehicles. I had my introduction ready and steadied myself for the expected assault from the other salespeople. It was subtle at first but quickly intensified as the day wore on. Most salespeople were generally friendly at the start of the day. We were all herded into a small sales meeting room where the General Manager tallied sales for each salesperson thus far in the month. He passed out commission checks from the previous week’s sales with many hoots and hollers, kind of like watching a football game in some sports bar. It was all about building the sales team up for another day and duping customers. Some of the salespersons’ hackles went up as soon as they saw there were new guys in their lair. One guy acted all offended as I slid in front of him to reach an open seat. He said, “Excuse me!” and looked me up and down. As my fellow trainee passed by he said, “Let me open my legs a little wider for you to get in.” Ew. Our trainer, Captain K, asked us to introduce ourselves and then we were basically off.

If you didn’t have an expected appointment, then you perched yourself in front of the dealership like a raptor awaiting prey, waiting for customers, known as Ups, to pull in. In an honorable environment, each salesperson would take their best sales pitch to each customer in order as they arrived. However, in car sales there is no honor and every time a customer arrived, the salespeople would descend like a plague of flies. Strangely, few customers took to this tactic. I watched the desperation of sales attempts fail time and again and quickly grew weary of being there. At one point, one cocky salesperson walked up to me, lit a cigarette and said, “That guy walked in front of you and made $1500 and you got nothing.” I said I learned something, which was no honor among thieves, but I also knew that the customer left without buying. My friend the philosopher asked the cocky salesperson how long he had been married, which sent him scurrying away. I’m not sure what happened there. I wondered around back where everyone parks and noticed most of the salespeople drove old cars and few Toyotas in the bunch. Odd. I looked around and wondered what I was doing there. I knew I could never survive in an environment where everyone was out for himself and had no respect for anyone around him. I walked over to my car, stepped in, rolled down all the windows, put on the radio, and sped away.

STEPS TO BUYING A CAR

Be strong! Make an outrageous offer like the actual MSRP is all you will pay. Insist that the total amount of trade and savings be separated on the offer. The mysterious “trade and savings” amount is not even known to the salesperson, it’s calculated by the sales desk and supposedly constitutes both the trade-in and any incentives being offered. Your salesperson will tell you your offer is impossible. Leave quickly after. At this point, the victim has regained control. What happens now will depend on the salesperson's day. If they can't snag another victim or they need your sale to make their monthly quota, expect a call late in the afternoon with an acceptance of your offer.

1. EDUCATION IS EVERYTHING:
Know the vehicle you want before going to the dealership. Research online. Know the MSRP and any incentives before you arrive. When you're first accosted by salesperson on the lot, ask them how long they've been in the business. Whoever states the least amount of time in the industry, then work with that person.

2. KEEP THE SALESPERSON CONFUSED:
While the salesperson is talking about the vehicle, pull out your cell phone as if taking a call. When the salesperson walks around the car pointing out selling features, walk the opposite way around the vehicle. Insist on a test drive before the salesperson can complete their presentation. Insist that they drive first off the lot so you can grill them on all the features the vehicle offers. Pull out a printout from the web and ask as many questions as possible. While the salesperson is making empty promises to get the answers you seek, indignantly ask if you're to be allowed to test-drive the vehicle you want to buy. While driving, DO NOT SPEAK to the salesperson. If you're there with a friend or spouse, speak to each other as if the salesperson isn't there. This will unnerve him. While the salesperson is "appraising" your trade-in, tell them you've changed your mind and will not be trading the vehicle. After the numbers are presented the first time, change your mind again and include the trade. Every time the salesperson leaves you alone at the desk, get up and wander away. Make him look for you every time. DO NOT SIGN anything! Make your offer based on the MSRP minus incentives and trade. DO NOT include tax, "fees", or title, or any amount you might owe on your trade.

3. SHOP AROUND AND USE 1 AND 2 IN EACH SITUATION:
Someone will cave and you'll walk away strangely satisfied.